It Is Well With My Soul, But I Am NOT ALRIGHT

"It is well with my soul, but I am not alright," is a quote by Kasey Ewing in her book God Enough. That is where I am at this point in my life.  Let me share a previous post that I wrote but never published:
There was an interesting question asked in Sunday School today. How safe do you feel in the arms of God? For most people it is easy to say, "Oh yeah, I trust God, I feel safe."  This time in my life has been interesting with all the uncertainties that come along with having quadruplets.  Everything from financial, housing, job and becoming parents to four have crossed our mind.  We laugh in our house because I have to be honest, I am at peace and Chris is like a duck on the water, calm on top but his feet are going 90 miles a hour. This is a complete and total reversal for us.  I am notoriously pessimistic and honestly I like that about myself. I will devise every possible bad scenario in my head and then no matter what happens I have already thought about and can work my way through it.  Chris is somewhere between Polly Positive and Whatever Happens Happens! That is probably why we are such a great team. Which brings me back to my original statement how safe do I feel in the arms of God? For one of the first times that I can remember I can say 100%.  Sure I still have my fears and anxiety about losing one of our babies, but I know God has a plan and a reason.

Apparently God read my unpublished posts because that is exactly what has been called into question this week.  How safe do I feel in the arms of God? Right now scared out of my mind, emotional but still remembering our God is a mighty and powerful God. Last Thursday, Chris and I went to our OB and after a lengthy scan we found out what two of our four babies were going to be. Don't get your hopes up we are not ready to tell just yet! Baby D (known in a previous blog as baby C) was still small but approximately 1 week behind in growth.  We left feeling positive.  All 4 babies had strong healthy heartbeats and were growing.  Our doctor wanted to see what the Perinatologist said about baby D before raising our hope too much. The Perinatologist has more detailed sonograms that can check for everything from the 4 chambers of the heart to umbilical blood flow.

Yesterday we saw the Perinatologist and it was an eventful emotional roller coaster for Chris and I.  Let me explain a normal weekly visit when you have 4 babies, sonograms are every week and they are lengthy sometimes up to an hour and a half.  During our sonogram yesterday the technician made several comments about Baby D. Frequently asking "Did you know there was problems with the Baby D's head?" She finished and stated that the doctor would come in and speak to us.  Dr. Briery was great at looking a babies A, B and C first and helping us determine that baby C is a . . . (Aunt Julie are you dying that I know three baby sexes and you don't.) All three babies look excellent and weigh 4 ounces each. This was the emotional roller coaster high point of the experience.  Now the low, Baby D on the other hand has some major structural issues that are catastrophic.  Baby D appears to have acrania (absence of a skull) which is a fatal congenital abnormality as well as an omphalocele or gastroschisis (both are potentially fatal.) This was a lot to take in and we still are processing this news.  Our options at this point are selective reduction (stop Baby D's beating heart), miscarriage or wait and see.  Complications if we do not have a miscarriage and Baby D survives then there is a chance the baby could stop drinking amniotic fluid and cause an imbalance that causes preterm labor for the rest of the children. If we do selective reduction then a) We have to deal with in our minds killing our child for the good of the other 3 b) Risk possibly losing one of the perfectly healthy babies to complications.

Thank you for all of your prayers.  It is much easier for me to write a blog or a text message than for me to talk to you personally.  It is how I remain in control and keep my emotions from exploding like word vomit .  This solution may not be the best for most people, but it is how I deal. My mom is at my house this week and she understands me so well she did not even hug me yesterday.   She knows what I can take and what I can't and a loving hug was not one of them (honestly I am not much of a hugger anyway, only my parents, Chris and kids will I hug anytime.) In fact one year I gave a co-worker a hug for her birthday as a present, she said it was the best present she had received that day.

Once again I want to thank everyone for their prayers.  They are felt even in this hard and uncertain time.   I titled this blog with my new mantra "It is well with my soul, but I am not alright."

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Calling All Prayer Warriors!

When Stephen was diagnosed with cancer, I fell apart. I went to see a counselor over some depression and sleeping issues.  The counselor told me to write down my thoughts as a release to calm my mind.  I have continued this practice over the past 7 years. The letters are for no one but it is a way sometimes I feel I can talk to God and after they are finished I delete them.  Today my heart is heavy and my mind is racing, hence the midweek blog and a letter I am not deleting.

This morning Chris and I went to see the perinatologist for our first meeting.  He is a very nice guy and we felt comfortable with him.  However the visit had some unsettling news.   All of our babies still have strong heartbeats and most are growing appropriately. However the baby they labeled C which could have been D in previous ultrasounds is not growing well.  Baby C is running 2 - 3 weeks smaller than the other three.  There is significant cause for concern.  The doctor told us it is now a waiting game.  This is where our prayer warriors are being called into the game.  We need baby C to grow and  catch up the the rest of the pack. We are ultimately praying for God's will to be done in this situation and trying not to be anxious.  That is proving difficult to say the least.  As I am writing, I am crying knowing God will provide.  It may not be the outcome I want, but he always has a plan and a purpose. 

I was driving home and was listening to the Message on Sirius (Chris says it makes me a nicer person,) when I heard several songs that reminded me of how great of a God we serve.  One was the song  The Hurt & the Healer by MercyMe. These are the lyrics that struck me today:

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all the scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide 

Sorry this blog was heavy, but I want to be honest about our journey and our struggles. On  a positive note today was the first day Chris got to see all 4 babies and hear their heartbeats.  He did a touchdown maneuver each time he heard one.  Then Baby B (Mercy Danger) waved (okay really it was spontaneous arm movement) but Chris was super excited.  I will close this blog today with a scripture that has comforted me throughout this pregnancy.

 

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My fleash and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my potion forever."

Thank you for your faithfulness in praying!  

Love, 

Erin

But God

Oh my, I am so overwhelmed by the response we got from our last blog. It is amazing.  We are so excited to share our journey with everyone. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, support and encouraging words.

So I titled today's blog off of a Sunday School lesson my mom taught years ago on the book of Esther. I personally love the book of Esther, because never once is God's name mentioned and yet you can see his hand move in each situation. Problems occur, BUT GOD intervenes.  That is the story of our lives over the past few weeks.   We have been blessed by several amazing people and God has moved in some mighty ways.

After I announced to our friend Kristy that we were having the quad squad she bought us several outfits and because I love shoes, a pair of cute girl shoes. My aunt Julie immediately went shopping for the babies (I think she may have been driving to the store when our conversation ended.) Then I walked into Sunday school today and Suzi hands me two packages of diapers to start our collection. I am amazed at the generosity of others, but God continues to bless.  This week I was exhausted after work and a neighbor stopped me for a chat.  He told me that he was interested in buying Chris' truck for cash.  The amount was enough to pay off our credit card. All I can say is, but God. Then our house has been on the market since August.  It has been a large financial constraint on Chris and I, but once again God intervened.  We have a contract, inspection is set for tomorrow and if all goes well we will close on the 31st.  Then to add more a random stranger that my aunt Debbie knew donated us two cribs and mattresses. To top off our week we received a gift so amazing I should probably dedicate a whole blog to it.  My amazing friend Konni knew of a family that had triplets last year. After contacting her friends Roy and Gia, they offered more than advice, they offered a mountain of stuff ranging from bottles to car seats.    This was an amazing gift for us and we are beyond ecstatic and amazed at God's power. I can not thank them enough!!

Chris and I have had a great weekend we looked at vehicles and much to my despair I have decided on a van.  It is the most practical option, but I will greatly miss my SUVs. Chris has conceded to let me have a sunroof so I can still feel sporty. I will be going to meet the perinatologist on Wednesday and Thursday I will see my OB. So hopefully next post will have pictures.

Prayer Requests:
My parents are in Chicago. Please pray for safety while they are there and their flight home.
Our house passes inspection and closing happens quickly.
Chris's truck runs and we will sell it.
My health and my superheroes health.
That the superheroes are growing on target.

Once again I want to thank everyone for their love, support and prayers!!