It Is Well With My Soul, But I Am NOT ALRIGHT

"It is well with my soul, but I am not alright," is a quote by Kasey Ewing in her book God Enough. That is where I am at this point in my life.  Let me share a previous post that I wrote but never published:
There was an interesting question asked in Sunday School today. How safe do you feel in the arms of God? For most people it is easy to say, "Oh yeah, I trust God, I feel safe."  This time in my life has been interesting with all the uncertainties that come along with having quadruplets.  Everything from financial, housing, job and becoming parents to four have crossed our mind.  We laugh in our house because I have to be honest, I am at peace and Chris is like a duck on the water, calm on top but his feet are going 90 miles a hour. This is a complete and total reversal for us.  I am notoriously pessimistic and honestly I like that about myself. I will devise every possible bad scenario in my head and then no matter what happens I have already thought about and can work my way through it.  Chris is somewhere between Polly Positive and Whatever Happens Happens! That is probably why we are such a great team. Which brings me back to my original statement how safe do I feel in the arms of God? For one of the first times that I can remember I can say 100%.  Sure I still have my fears and anxiety about losing one of our babies, but I know God has a plan and a reason.

Apparently God read my unpublished posts because that is exactly what has been called into question this week.  How safe do I feel in the arms of God? Right now scared out of my mind, emotional but still remembering our God is a mighty and powerful God. Last Thursday, Chris and I went to our OB and after a lengthy scan we found out what two of our four babies were going to be. Don't get your hopes up we are not ready to tell just yet! Baby D (known in a previous blog as baby C) was still small but approximately 1 week behind in growth.  We left feeling positive.  All 4 babies had strong healthy heartbeats and were growing.  Our doctor wanted to see what the Perinatologist said about baby D before raising our hope too much. The Perinatologist has more detailed sonograms that can check for everything from the 4 chambers of the heart to umbilical blood flow.

Yesterday we saw the Perinatologist and it was an eventful emotional roller coaster for Chris and I.  Let me explain a normal weekly visit when you have 4 babies, sonograms are every week and they are lengthy sometimes up to an hour and a half.  During our sonogram yesterday the technician made several comments about Baby D. Frequently asking "Did you know there was problems with the Baby D's head?" She finished and stated that the doctor would come in and speak to us.  Dr. Briery was great at looking a babies A, B and C first and helping us determine that baby C is a . . . (Aunt Julie are you dying that I know three baby sexes and you don't.) All three babies look excellent and weigh 4 ounces each. This was the emotional roller coaster high point of the experience.  Now the low, Baby D on the other hand has some major structural issues that are catastrophic.  Baby D appears to have acrania (absence of a skull) which is a fatal congenital abnormality as well as an omphalocele or gastroschisis (both are potentially fatal.) This was a lot to take in and we still are processing this news.  Our options at this point are selective reduction (stop Baby D's beating heart), miscarriage or wait and see.  Complications if we do not have a miscarriage and Baby D survives then there is a chance the baby could stop drinking amniotic fluid and cause an imbalance that causes preterm labor for the rest of the children. If we do selective reduction then a) We have to deal with in our minds killing our child for the good of the other 3 b) Risk possibly losing one of the perfectly healthy babies to complications.

Thank you for all of your prayers.  It is much easier for me to write a blog or a text message than for me to talk to you personally.  It is how I remain in control and keep my emotions from exploding like word vomit .  This solution may not be the best for most people, but it is how I deal. My mom is at my house this week and she understands me so well she did not even hug me yesterday.   She knows what I can take and what I can't and a loving hug was not one of them (honestly I am not much of a hugger anyway, only my parents, Chris and kids will I hug anytime.) In fact one year I gave a co-worker a hug for her birthday as a present, she said it was the best present she had received that day.

Once again I want to thank everyone for their prayers.  They are felt even in this hard and uncertain time.   I titled this blog with my new mantra "It is well with my soul, but I am not alright."

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